Favourite One Liners

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Just a few lines that made me giggle...

I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.

I got a job as the Duke of Edinburgh's hairdresser. The other day I parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman came up to me and said "have you got a permit?" And I said, "no, I've just got to take a bit off the back".

I'm colour blind but I don't let it affect my life. Last night I went to see "Joseph and His amazing Brown Coat".

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?

When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.

So I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!" (Tim Vine live DVD).

Velcro, what a rip-off...

I was playing the piano in a bar and this elephant walked in and started crying his heart out. I said "Do you recognise the tune?" He said "No, I recognise the ivory"

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one

You invented Tippex... Correct me if I'm wrong

Did you know all male tennis players are witches? For example Goran.. Even-he's-a-witch

I was in Tescos, and saw this man and woman wrapped in a bar code. I said "Are you two an item?"

A lorryload of tortoises crashed into a train full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Did you know if a stick insect lays it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets?

I went into a shop and said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Ok, where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I used to live in a teapot. I know what you're thinking 'Pour You'

Advent Calenders, Their days are numbered.

I was working in a library and bloke came and asked if i had a bookmark. i said: 'War and Peace, 3/10'

I was working in a library and bloke came and asked if i had a bookmark. i said: 'see that there....made by a bible.'

I was working in a library and bloke came and asked if i had a bookmark. i said: ' if you're referring to the thing bit of card you put in book to remember where you are..................no.'

So this bloke came up to me and said 'I've just dropped my scrabble set on the pavement'. I said 'Really? What's the word on the street?'

If you have an islamic dog. Muzzl'im

I went to a Party dressed as Sodium Chloride. Someone threw Hydrochloric Acid over me. I didn't know how to react.

At least it's comfortable on Eurostar. It's murder on the Orient Express

I went to the doctor and said "that tastes of apples, that taste of pears, and that tastes of strawberries. He said "you've got fruit gums"

I went down my local Gym. I said "Mr Nasium"

I said "can you teach me how to do the splits?". He said "how flexible are you?". I said "I can't make tuesdays"

I went down my local video store. I said "can I take out the elephant man?". He said he's not your type. I said "can I have Batman Forever?". He said you have to bring it back tomorrow. I said what about another 48 hours. He said tomorrow.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite...... ... one jar.

I was at sea the other day and these bits of lamb floated past. It was a bit choppy

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Two Elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.

A man walks into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

Its strange. You scream "Ahhhhhh" in a library and everyone hates you. You do the same on an aeroplane and everyone joins in.

I don't do jokes about the verb to jump out and scare people - that's To-boo

So I took the M4 out of London, and someone said 'Put it back.'

A cowboy walks into a German car dealer and says "Audi!"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'